I see what you mean, but I think we must be interpreting intentionality differently because to me most of those decisions were subconscious. Perhaps part of her knew that Spike was the one she really wanted but within the framework of trying to be normal- poor as it turned out to be- I think she was acting with complete sincerity; to her Spike wasn't in the equation at all, so Dowling wasn't second best- he was best.

At least, that's the way I hope she would react if she really did date someone else in the comics for the sake of "normality." Obviously it's open to interpretation, as is the fic. :)