30 Days of Disney: Day 9: Favorite Villain
Jun. 8th, 2011 10:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gryfndor_godessMC: And now, ladies and gentlemen, introducing our contestants for the evening for Favorite Villain: first up is a dastardly brute who epitomizes sibling rivalry taken a step too far. In addition to approving of fratricide and infanticide, this power-hungry younger brother is a wily wheeler-dealer who excels at exploiting vulnerabilities to get his way. He also happens to have the most smokin’ hair under Mount Olympus. Joining us from the motion picture Hercules, give it up for Hades!
Our second contestant is also a resentful younger brother. Though he doesn’t boast the same bloodthirsty skill at manipulation and prefers to leave most of the dirty work to his favorite enforcer, the Sheriff, he’s just as desperate to gain the throne and doesn’t care who suffers as a consequence. From the motion picture Robin Hood, give it up for Prince John!
Rounding out this stunning lack of originality, our third contestant also craves the throne and is more than willing to murder her boss to get it. Her potion-making skills are unmatched in the Disney realms, and in biting sarcasm she can give anyone a run for their money. Plus, in her most recent form, she might just be the most adorable villain ever. From The Emperor's New Groove, give it up for Yzma!
MC: And now, our contestants will tell you themselves why they deserve the title.
HADES: Let me make this real simple for you mortals. I’m a God. They’re not. Capiche?
YZMA: [little laugh] Don’t you think it should be ladies first?
HADES: What lady?
YZMA: Why you-!
PRINCE JOHN: I, too, am confused. I thought you were a lesser species of my noble family.
HADES: Meow.
YZMA: Well. Ahem. I was…a cat. But for this competition I’ve been transformed back into my beautiful self.
HADES: Was that the famous sarcasm?
YZMA: What?
HADES: The beautiful part.
YZMA: [bends a spoon with her fingers]
HADES: ‘Cause maybe the goddesses have given me high standards, but I’d swear the last time I saw someone like you was in the primordial muck before the mortals came along. You could give the Fates a run for their money.
YZMA: Squeak squeaker squeakton!
HADES: You make about as much sense as the Fates, too.
YZMA: It wouldn’t have gotten past the English language censors.
PRINCE JOHN: Perhaps you could transform back into a cat. It would doubtlessly be an improvement.
HADES: Anything would.
PRINCE JOHN: Cats are, after all, the noblest creatures, the kings of the forest-
HADES: Well, one cat is.
PRINCE JOHN: What was that?
HADES: Hmm? Oh, nothing, nothing…how’s Richard doing?
PRINCE JOHN: I don’t want to talk about him!
HADES: Returned from the crusades, hasn’t he? Putting the kingdom back into tip-top shape, I imagine. Now where does that leave you…
YZMA: Disgraced.
HADES: Reviled.
YZMA: By everyone.
PRINCE JOHN: Stop it! Stop it this instant! I command you-!
HADES: Watch it, pal. I’m King of the Underworld. I don’t take commands from puny mortals.
YYMA: You’re king of dead soul goop. Besides, what kind of king is taken prisoner by his own subjects? The contest is just a reprieve for you, and then they get to drag you into their noxious lake again.
HADES: Least I won’t be turned into a mangy fleabag.
PRINCE JOHN: Cats are not mangy fleabags!
HADES: Have you had a checkup recently?
PRINCE JOHN: [starts to scratch himself compulsively] I want my mummy. [sucks thumb]
YYMA: You want your mummy?
HADES: Why is he even in this competition? What kind of villain wants his mother?
YZMA: It’s not much more pathetic than a villain craving his brother’s attention and affection.
HADES: …What now?
YZMA: Come now, Hades, we all know your feelings for Zeus are a little more complicated than plain hatred. You want big brother’s approval. His attention-
HADES: Stop talking. Now.
YZMA: Or what?
HADES: [Throws fire at her. The fire stops inches from Yzma’s face, as though she is protected by an invisible shield]
YZMA: Ah ah ah- no violence during the contest!
HADES: I hate this. [grumpily reaches for his goblet]
YZMA: Are you sure you want to drink that?
[HADES bangs down goblet and glares venomously]
PRINCE JOHN: I- I am an excellent villain! I almost captured Robin Hood-
HADES: Key word there being ‘almost.’
PRINCE JOHN: I made his life very difficult!
YZMA: Actually, I believe the Sheriff of Nottingham made his life difficult.
HADES: You know, I’m not sure little Johnny counts as a villain at all-
PRINCE JOHN: I am not little! That’s a different character.
[HADES and YZMA exchange confused looks]
HADES: It’s not like he did anything besides give orders and cry like a baby.
YZMA: It doesn’t compare to poisoning the emperor.
HADES: Or imprisoning the gods and taking over Mount Olympus.
YZMA: Which you failed to do.
HADES: I recall Kuzco turning into a llama instead of a corpse.
YZMA: Touche.
PRINCE JOHN: [sulky] You’re just as bad at being villainous as I am.
HADES: Are not. My plan was the most ambitious, evil, and cunning in scope.
YZMA: Hardly.
HADES: I’m evil! And brilliant at it! I tried to kill my own nephew!
YZMA: You were scared of a baby. How terrifying.
HADES: I wasn’t-! You- you didn’t have the guts to poison Kuzco yourself!
YZMA: I only concocted the potion, sat at the table to watch him die, ordered Kronk to dispose of him, searched for him myself, and continued trying to kill him after I turned into a cute little kitty. But you’re right, the simple act of pouring the poison into the goblet was really all that mattered.
PRINCE JOHN: Um, actually I think you’re quite villainous.
YZMA: Why thank you.
PRINCE JOHN: Do you work on commission? Because I need to get rid of my brother-
HADES: [sulky] She still failed to kill him.
PRINCE JOHN: Oh let’s admit it! We’re all failed villains! That’s something we have in common at least. What matters is what we do now.
YZMA: Well said.
PRINCE JOHN: Which of us still strives to fulfill his original goals?
YZMA: Or her original goals.
PRINCE JOHN: My apologies, madam.
HADES: Oh give me a break.
PRINCE JOHN: Though my resources and autonomy have become distressingly limited, I am still seeking a way to get the throne. I don’t really want to kill Richard, but perhaps if you had a potion to turn him into something, like a flea-
YZMA: Are you mocking me?
PRINCE JOHN: I beg your pardon?
YZMA: Er…never mind.
HADES: You could put that flea in a box…I’m mocking you.
PRINCE JOHN: [to Hades] And just what are you doing to conquer Mount Olympus?
HADES: I- well- uh-
[crickets chirping]
PRINCE JOHN: Hah! There you have it. I am the best villain because while I may have been temporarily defeated, I am still plotting my revenge. Now then-
YZMA: Wait a minute. You don’t know what I’m doing.
PRINCE JOHN: …Are you doing something?
HADES: You’re a cat.
PRINCE JOHN: I object to that! Cats can do a lot of evil things.
YZMA: I’m using my new language skills and taking advantage of my feline form to communicate with the panthers in the jungle. They remember that merry chase Kuzco led them on, and the next time the idiot visits his dolt-headed friend, the panthers are going to kidnap him for me. Meanwhile, Kronk, my dear friend, is just so…trusting. And naïve. And stupid. He thinks I’ve reformed. He thinks I can be a worthwhile member of society, and he’s going to help me make a potion so I can turn back into my beautiful self and prove that worthiness to everyone else. He believes everyone deserves a second chance.
Part of being an excellent villain is having the best minions after all. The sheriff wasn’t too bright, Prince, and your demons were cowards, Hades. They turned their back on you out of laziness and fear. My minion may be a monkeybrain, but at least he’s a pliable one.
So keep an eye on the Disney World Tribune, boys. If you can escape your soul goop long enough to find a copy that is, Hades. Any day now you’ll be reading Kuzco’s obituary. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll get another reprieve to attend my coronation.
[crickets]
MC: Prince John or Lord Hades, do either of you have a rebuttal?
[cri-
HADES: Could you shut it with the crickets? I’m going to kill them!
MC: …Any other rebuttal?
[cricket-less silence]
MC: In that case, it’s time to announce the winner. In third place…Prince John. Mostly for being adorably inept and hilarious.
PRINCE JOHN: Oh, how kind!
MC: …Case in point.
HADES: When they say ‘hilarious,’ they were laughing at you, not with you.
MC: In second place, based on his wit and one-liners, diabolical immorality, cunning, scheming, and all-around badassery…Hades!
HADES: No!
YZMA: Ah ha ha!
MC: And now, for favorite Disney villain: Based on her cunning, fortitude, resourcefulness, hilarity, fantastic relationship with her minion, and the fact that at the end of her movie she is defeated but not destroyed, the favorite villain is…Yzma! Give it up, ladies and gentlemen!
YZMA: [waving and blowing kisses] Thank you! Thank you so much! I won’t let you down!
MC: Congratulations all of you. Any last words before you are returned to your respective dimensions?
PRINCE JOHN: Subjects of mine, I am deeply honored by your faith in my villainy and promise to continue trying to secure the throne-
HADES: Oh, shut up, you moron. [stands to leave] My agent is so fired. Literally. I think I’ll burn him in hell…
YZMA: It was a fantastic day. Simply wonderf-
[with a huge poof of smoke, she turns back into a cat]
YZMA: Oh squeak.
Our second contestant is also a resentful younger brother. Though he doesn’t boast the same bloodthirsty skill at manipulation and prefers to leave most of the dirty work to his favorite enforcer, the Sheriff, he’s just as desperate to gain the throne and doesn’t care who suffers as a consequence. From the motion picture Robin Hood, give it up for Prince John!
Rounding out this stunning lack of originality, our third contestant also craves the throne and is more than willing to murder her boss to get it. Her potion-making skills are unmatched in the Disney realms, and in biting sarcasm she can give anyone a run for their money. Plus, in her most recent form, she might just be the most adorable villain ever. From The Emperor's New Groove, give it up for Yzma!
MC: And now, our contestants will tell you themselves why they deserve the title.
HADES: Let me make this real simple for you mortals. I’m a God. They’re not. Capiche?
YZMA: [little laugh] Don’t you think it should be ladies first?
HADES: What lady?
YZMA: Why you-!
PRINCE JOHN: I, too, am confused. I thought you were a lesser species of my noble family.
HADES: Meow.
YZMA: Well. Ahem. I was…a cat. But for this competition I’ve been transformed back into my beautiful self.
HADES: Was that the famous sarcasm?
YZMA: What?
HADES: The beautiful part.
YZMA: [bends a spoon with her fingers]
HADES: ‘Cause maybe the goddesses have given me high standards, but I’d swear the last time I saw someone like you was in the primordial muck before the mortals came along. You could give the Fates a run for their money.
YZMA: Squeak squeaker squeakton!
HADES: You make about as much sense as the Fates, too.
YZMA: It wouldn’t have gotten past the English language censors.
PRINCE JOHN: Perhaps you could transform back into a cat. It would doubtlessly be an improvement.
HADES: Anything would.
PRINCE JOHN: Cats are, after all, the noblest creatures, the kings of the forest-
HADES: Well, one cat is.
PRINCE JOHN: What was that?
HADES: Hmm? Oh, nothing, nothing…how’s Richard doing?
PRINCE JOHN: I don’t want to talk about him!
HADES: Returned from the crusades, hasn’t he? Putting the kingdom back into tip-top shape, I imagine. Now where does that leave you…
YZMA: Disgraced.
HADES: Reviled.
YZMA: By everyone.
PRINCE JOHN: Stop it! Stop it this instant! I command you-!
HADES: Watch it, pal. I’m King of the Underworld. I don’t take commands from puny mortals.
YYMA: You’re king of dead soul goop. Besides, what kind of king is taken prisoner by his own subjects? The contest is just a reprieve for you, and then they get to drag you into their noxious lake again.
HADES: Least I won’t be turned into a mangy fleabag.
PRINCE JOHN: Cats are not mangy fleabags!
HADES: Have you had a checkup recently?
PRINCE JOHN: [starts to scratch himself compulsively] I want my mummy. [sucks thumb]
YYMA: You want your mummy?
HADES: Why is he even in this competition? What kind of villain wants his mother?
YZMA: It’s not much more pathetic than a villain craving his brother’s attention and affection.
HADES: …What now?
YZMA: Come now, Hades, we all know your feelings for Zeus are a little more complicated than plain hatred. You want big brother’s approval. His attention-
HADES: Stop talking. Now.
YZMA: Or what?
HADES: [Throws fire at her. The fire stops inches from Yzma’s face, as though she is protected by an invisible shield]
YZMA: Ah ah ah- no violence during the contest!
HADES: I hate this. [grumpily reaches for his goblet]
YZMA: Are you sure you want to drink that?
[HADES bangs down goblet and glares venomously]
PRINCE JOHN: I- I am an excellent villain! I almost captured Robin Hood-
HADES: Key word there being ‘almost.’
PRINCE JOHN: I made his life very difficult!
YZMA: Actually, I believe the Sheriff of Nottingham made his life difficult.
HADES: You know, I’m not sure little Johnny counts as a villain at all-
PRINCE JOHN: I am not little! That’s a different character.
[HADES and YZMA exchange confused looks]
HADES: It’s not like he did anything besides give orders and cry like a baby.
YZMA: It doesn’t compare to poisoning the emperor.
HADES: Or imprisoning the gods and taking over Mount Olympus.
YZMA: Which you failed to do.
HADES: I recall Kuzco turning into a llama instead of a corpse.
YZMA: Touche.
PRINCE JOHN: [sulky] You’re just as bad at being villainous as I am.
HADES: Are not. My plan was the most ambitious, evil, and cunning in scope.
YZMA: Hardly.
HADES: I’m evil! And brilliant at it! I tried to kill my own nephew!
YZMA: You were scared of a baby. How terrifying.
HADES: I wasn’t-! You- you didn’t have the guts to poison Kuzco yourself!
YZMA: I only concocted the potion, sat at the table to watch him die, ordered Kronk to dispose of him, searched for him myself, and continued trying to kill him after I turned into a cute little kitty. But you’re right, the simple act of pouring the poison into the goblet was really all that mattered.
PRINCE JOHN: Um, actually I think you’re quite villainous.
YZMA: Why thank you.
PRINCE JOHN: Do you work on commission? Because I need to get rid of my brother-
HADES: [sulky] She still failed to kill him.
PRINCE JOHN: Oh let’s admit it! We’re all failed villains! That’s something we have in common at least. What matters is what we do now.
YZMA: Well said.
PRINCE JOHN: Which of us still strives to fulfill his original goals?
YZMA: Or her original goals.
PRINCE JOHN: My apologies, madam.
HADES: Oh give me a break.
PRINCE JOHN: Though my resources and autonomy have become distressingly limited, I am still seeking a way to get the throne. I don’t really want to kill Richard, but perhaps if you had a potion to turn him into something, like a flea-
YZMA: Are you mocking me?
PRINCE JOHN: I beg your pardon?
YZMA: Er…never mind.
HADES: You could put that flea in a box…I’m mocking you.
PRINCE JOHN: [to Hades] And just what are you doing to conquer Mount Olympus?
HADES: I- well- uh-
[crickets chirping]
PRINCE JOHN: Hah! There you have it. I am the best villain because while I may have been temporarily defeated, I am still plotting my revenge. Now then-
YZMA: Wait a minute. You don’t know what I’m doing.
PRINCE JOHN: …Are you doing something?
HADES: You’re a cat.
PRINCE JOHN: I object to that! Cats can do a lot of evil things.
YZMA: I’m using my new language skills and taking advantage of my feline form to communicate with the panthers in the jungle. They remember that merry chase Kuzco led them on, and the next time the idiot visits his dolt-headed friend, the panthers are going to kidnap him for me. Meanwhile, Kronk, my dear friend, is just so…trusting. And naïve. And stupid. He thinks I’ve reformed. He thinks I can be a worthwhile member of society, and he’s going to help me make a potion so I can turn back into my beautiful self and prove that worthiness to everyone else. He believes everyone deserves a second chance.
Part of being an excellent villain is having the best minions after all. The sheriff wasn’t too bright, Prince, and your demons were cowards, Hades. They turned their back on you out of laziness and fear. My minion may be a monkeybrain, but at least he’s a pliable one.
So keep an eye on the Disney World Tribune, boys. If you can escape your soul goop long enough to find a copy that is, Hades. Any day now you’ll be reading Kuzco’s obituary. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll get another reprieve to attend my coronation.
[crickets]
MC: Prince John or Lord Hades, do either of you have a rebuttal?
[cri-
HADES: Could you shut it with the crickets? I’m going to kill them!
MC: …Any other rebuttal?
[cricket-less silence]
MC: In that case, it’s time to announce the winner. In third place…Prince John. Mostly for being adorably inept and hilarious.
PRINCE JOHN: Oh, how kind!
MC: …Case in point.
HADES: When they say ‘hilarious,’ they were laughing at you, not with you.
MC: In second place, based on his wit and one-liners, diabolical immorality, cunning, scheming, and all-around badassery…Hades!
HADES: No!
YZMA: Ah ha ha!
MC: And now, for favorite Disney villain: Based on her cunning, fortitude, resourcefulness, hilarity, fantastic relationship with her minion, and the fact that at the end of her movie she is defeated but not destroyed, the favorite villain is…Yzma! Give it up, ladies and gentlemen!
YZMA: [waving and blowing kisses] Thank you! Thank you so much! I won’t let you down!
MC: Congratulations all of you. Any last words before you are returned to your respective dimensions?
PRINCE JOHN: Subjects of mine, I am deeply honored by your faith in my villainy and promise to continue trying to secure the throne-
HADES: Oh, shut up, you moron. [stands to leave] My agent is so fired. Literally. I think I’ll burn him in hell…
YZMA: It was a fantastic day. Simply wonderf-
[with a huge poof of smoke, she turns back into a cat]
YZMA: Oh squeak.
END SCENE.